A Woman Without A Country

When I was a kid in Vacation Bible School we sang a song, "I've Got Peace Like a River."  I've had it in my head, with some slight lyrical modifications all week.  It goes something like this:

I've got snot like a river,
I've got snot like a river,
I've got snot like a river, in my nose (in my nose!). {Repeat into infinity}

I've been humming it, whistling it, dancing to it & singing it on repeat as it is clearly the anthem at our house.  Just as one of us gets over this goopy gloppy cold, a new one of us picks it up. 

Thankfully I got to feeling better just in time to share my story for an open house at my local Weight Watchers this afternoon.  I was incredibly flattered to be asked & was looking forward to pushing my boundaries a little by talking with my mouth rather than my keyboard.  What I wasn't anticipating was how much I would get out of the experience. 

For a while I've been struggling with the idea of being "a woman without a country."  No longer enveloped in the camaraderie of overweight women, but an oddity (or worse) to those for whom weight has never been a struggle, I've felt pretty isolated.  Likely, the root of the issue starts in my own head, but it's a nagging feeling that I just don't belong--an outsider no matter where I am.  I'm so extremely grateful for how far I've come, but I wasn't prepared to feel lonely because of it.  *sigh*  I sound like a melodramatic teenager.

Today, at the open house, I met TWO beautiful women who are part of my country.  Ridiculous as it may seem, chit-chatting with women who have lost 100+ lbs gave me a feeling of companionship.  Even though I don't really know them, I feel like I know something about their story...

• Maybe they struggle with lose skin or drastically whacked out body image or shame about how they let themselves get "that big" or shame for feeling shame at all. 
• Or maybe they have put on a shirt & wondered if it was appropriate/attractive for their current bodies or been confused about what their current bodies actually look like because of all of the crazy changes. 
• Or maybe they have felt that moment when someone that used to be kind is suddenly cold or a warmth from someone that was previously distant. 
• Or perhaps they've been confused when someone gave them compliments & qualified every thank you with "but I still have a long way to go."  Maybe they have felt guilty about that, too. 
• Maybe, sometimes simultaneously, they have felt the glory & the burden of their accomplishments & wished that it could just be "easy"...whatever that means.

On multiple occasions I have tried to capture my thoughts about being "country-less" without sounding cold or callous or ungrateful or shallow or uppity.  Today, emboldened by my unknowing countrywomen, I feel just brave enough to acknowledge that I probably sound all of those things, but I know I'm not alone.  Surely someone else was thinking it...I just SAID it. 

And now, as a celebration of my bravery, I'm off to wipe some more snot from some more noses.  Thank goodness, too!  Nothing like a little hard, cold reality to get my head out of the clouds & back into the bio hazards.