Black & Blue Ego with a Pink Headband

Sometimes, when I know that a blog-worthy event is coming up, I will pre-write bits & pieces in my head.  Title ideas, little descriptive snippets & word combinations that I find humorous will drift around in my mind--sometimes making it onto a post-it note or old envelope to be found or lost at my leisure.  Today I had one of those events.  Today I bought my first running shoes (& an obscene amount of gear).
Titles that bounced in my head are as follows:

• Can't Catch Me, I'm New Sara
• These Shoes are Made for Running
• Kicking Fat & Taking Names

An astute reader (or perhaps one that is merely awake) will notice that the tone of these titles varies from the tone of the final selection.

I had a rather glamorous, albeit far fetched, version of shoe shopping in my head.  We would go to the small local running shop & easily find the perfect shoes replete with glittering halo & a host of villagers, ewoks & wookies celebrating my arrival to the running community.  I would run into the sunset & live happily ever after.  And, scene.

Here's what really happened: I took exactly 17 steps inside the shop door, became completely overwhelmed by the crowd & chaos, felt completely out of my league & literally ran out the door crying.  Sobbing, actually.    Maybe it was the fact that every piece of clothing I touched was XS or maybe it was the leggy high school track girls, or maybe it was the crowd in general, but I just couldn't shake the idea that I didn't deserve to be there, that I was too fat to be a legitimate customer that was worth their time.  I KNOW that this isn't the case, I KNOW that any of the employees would have been more than accommodating & likely excited to bring a new convert into the fold.  Regardless, I couldn't get rid of the idea that everyone from shop clerks to customers would wonder why I was wasting their time.  One hundred & four pounds gone & the biggest work is still not finished, the work in my head.

Dave was so sweet.  He convinced me to go to Scheels "just to look."  I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to give up on the running store out of fear or shame & feel like a quitter.  Dave reminded me that the stated goal of the day was to get me set up with the things I needed so that when I feel ready I can lace up & take those first steps.  In the process, I may have stumbled upon a new goal for a different day, but today was about getting me ready to run. 

Lincoln requested that I model my new clothes

So, in the middle of a soul-less big box store, with a morose look on my face, I bought my first running gear...& more gear...& more gear.  It was shameful, really.  I even bought a special headband complete with pink sequins...because how could I possibly run without that?  As a side note, I may have found the best way to get my husband to spend money.  Have a level five meltdown about body image in public & he will buy me anything!  I have plans to recreate the whole thing in Pottery Barn next weekend.  Shhh, don't tell!

I haven't given up on any of my previously mentioned inspirational or aspirational blog titles.  They may show up some time in the future, maybe even when I walk into a small local shop & say, "Can I see those in an 8?"  For now, I'm still feeling a little fragile & unsure about what it means that I still find myself saying "I'm too fat for that."