The Good Old Days

Fat & happy (truly!)

Everyone can rattle off a list of things that can be drastically improved by removing excess pounds.  It's a no-brainer.  Here are some things that were better (either in perception or reality) when I was heavier.  Yes, I would like some cheese with my w(h)ine.

• I miss some of my clothes.  Not a lot, but there were some pieces that I really loved & hated to part with.  Hopefully someone at Goodwill thought they were just as great.
• I look older up close.  Yes, weight ages people, but get close to my face & I look older because the fat filled out the fine lines & the already huge hollows under my eyes.  Bye, bye fat!  Hello, wrinkles & dark circles!
• It's harder to get dressed.  With a body in flux, the areas that need camouflaging change week to week.  It was much easier when I knew the problem spots & dressed accordingly--all black.
• I have to carve out a new large-group persona.  In the past, it was very easy to play the role of Jolly Fat Girl #1.  JFG is a very well defined role in our society & without her, I'm feeling a little lost.  What's really hard is that JFG on a thinner body sometimes plays out as Stupid Girl or, worse yet, Self-Absorbed, Deluded Girl.  The self-deprecating humor that plays so well with JFG just feels conceited & out of touch.  For an introvert like me, a large-group persona is not only useful, it's a survival skill & I'm floundering without it.
• I now feel my meals being scrutinized.  When you're obese, you are quite aware that people watch what you eat & are judging you because of it.  You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Order a burger & people think "that's why you got that way," order a salad & it's "well, a little late for the salad, don't you think?"  That feeling is still there & I'm used to it, but the new layer that makes me supremely uncomfortable is that I feel like people are now trying to alter their behavior because they fear my judgement.  Just because I eat ___ doesn't mean anyone else has to.  I don't care what others eat & I hope they don't care what I eat. 
• I am less comfortable naked.  Before, I could look in the mirror & there was a lot to see...but it was relatively tight (lumpy, but tight).  Now, all I see are puddles of skin.  Did you know your forearm can have loose skin?  It can & I fiddle & futz with mine all day long.  It's depressing & could possibly be a permanent reminder of what I did to myself for so long.
• I am entirely too preoccupied with my (food, appearance, weight).  When you just inhale food, you don't have to think about it, especially if you're eating out all of the time.  Now I am in a constant struggle to get my head in the real world & out of my head.
•  I miss cake nights.  When I hear people say "I can't believe I ate like that.  It would make me sick to do that now,"  I don't believe them.  I think they are likely hiding behind mock disgust to alleviate some of their shame.  I'll come out & say it: I miss gorging on baked goods.  I will probably miss it until the day I die. 
• People sometimes think I'm fundamentally different.  It's hard when people treat me differently (either better or worse) because of my changes.  I'm still the same me on the inside, I'm just changing the hard-candy shell.

Feels good to come out & say it, there were things that were better when I was 269 pounds.  But, I'm left with this thought: I miss the puff of a cigarette on a cool Fall day, but I know it's horrible for me, so I don't do it.  Same thing.