|Lincoln trying to help me detox by sharing the burden.|
I have a problem. My name is Sara & I'm a nursorexic.
I have been fretting about the day that I ween Coraline from the time I got pregnant. Because I had a plan to start WW back up at exactly six weeks postpartum, I knew that I would be nursing while on plan.
With Lincoln, I lost the baby weight initially by nursing alone & when I weened I gained most of it back. I had gotten into some awful eating habits while nursing that really kicked my butt (or rather grew it) when I was done. This time around, I realized that nursing moms need more calories to sustain, but I was deathly afraid that I wouldn't be able to discern needed calories vs superfluous. It took a couple of months to get through the initial ravenous stage, but then I leveled out & now I feel very comfortable that I am eating appropriately to sustain Coraline's gain & my loss.
While her gain IS my gain (both on a lovey-gushy mommy level & on a very physical poundage level), I am terrified that I will have a repeat performance & actually gain once I'm not pumping my calories into my baby. I'm afraid of my inability to scale back once I'm done "eating for two."
I find myself fantasizing about being one of those mothers who has a second grader that comes home & has milk & cookies as an after school snack--with me starring as the milk.
I wonder if it would be weird to just keep pumping--forever.
I think about going out in search of needy babies who have no mother to feed them--orphans or kittens or something.
I have always said that my reasons for nursing were more selfish than pure. I hate to wash bottles & I hate measuring out formula. I'm lazy when it comes to feeding my baby & it turns out that for me, once I push past the tricky early weeks, nursing is the laziest choice. Sure, I love that I'm setting my kids up with antibodies & nutrients, but I love it even more that I don't have to sterilize nipples. And now, I also love it that Coraline is sucking the life right out of my posterior.
Nursing has become such an integral part of the process that I am scared the whole thing will fall apart when that piece is gone. I'm not in any rush to ween right now, but as she craves more & more solids, I find myself feeling nervous & thinking about THE END--the day I can no longer use my daughter to justify my three o'clock cheese habit.