Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hello, My Name is Opal & I am Your Muffin Top


I recently saw a bit with Wanda Sykes where she talked about her upper abdomen & how it had taken over her life with such a powerful force that she gave it a name: Esther.  Esther was drawn to carbs & alcohol & had been the reason for many an impulse munch.  But for the power of Spanx, Esther was running rough shod over Wanda's life--in a commical fashion as can be expected.

I would like to introduce you to Opal, round & full of fire.  She's mean, she's nasty, she's stubborn & she has laid claim to my torso.  Picture the scene in "Far & Away" where Tom & Nicole plunge their stake into the ground during the Great Land Race & you know that nothing will tear them away from that land but death.  That is what my fat is doing.  It has seen the writing on the wall & in an effort to hang on decided to band together to form Opal & stake a claim on my body in the Great Fat Race. 

Thus far I have been shedding pounds & inches in a pretty uniform manner (a new phenomenon for me: usually the boobs vanish & the hips stay around for the party).  Now Opal has dug in her heels & that b**** is pissing me off.  To be fair, Opal has always been there, but before she was part of an ensemble cast.  Now she wants her name in lights & her own dressing room. 

I've got shirts that I was wearing 10 pounds ago that look awful now because I'm less uniform throughout the torso.  When I sit, I'm starting to feel fatter than I did last month.  She's getting in my head & I can hear her nagging voice tell me that I should just drink the kool-aid (& eat the cake & the cookies & pizza) because it doesn't matter what I do, she's here to stay.

Old Sara: Opal, you're right.  You are going to be here forever & I'm just going to learn to love you & I'm really going to love the doughnuts that you need to survive.
New Sara: Dave, have you seen my pilates video?

Opal, consider the eviction process underway.  I know that it may be a long process, but I've got all of the time in the world & you don't.  Part of the reason I chose the name Opal is that it's an old ladies' name.  You know what that means, Opal?  Even though the mean ones always live a long time, you've got to die sooner or later.


  1. Okay... now I've got to think of a name for my torso. She's relatively new (since Nate's arrival)... but I'm ready to evict her.