Saturday, March 26, 2011
She'll be Comin' Round the Corner When She Comes
Up two pounds for the week. In all honesty it is less than I expected. I'm a daily weigh-er, but I didn't touch the scale this week...I walked into weigh-in blind but for the knowledge of what I felt I had "earned"
I cried all the way through the meeting--not because of the gain, but because of my apathy & bitterness. Even though the topic was fortuitously "dealing with setbacks," I was still mopey when I got home. Once again, no guilt, which I have decided is a big problem.
Over the course of this week I identified that I have a six month cycle of success followed by bitterness. It's illogical, it's ungrateful, but it's how I feel. Yet again after all of my success & all of my blessings & all of my hard work I am overwhelmed by the enormity of my task & how far I have yet to go. My last six month bitterness yielded the beginning of my blog. The outcome of this six month bitterness is TBD, BUT I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I kept very busy feeling sorry for myself for the last couple of weeks & bemoaning that "I have to do this."
Then three things happened:
1) Lincoln reminded me that I needed to go exercise. A subtle reminder from a three year old helped me put my task back into its greater perspective. While I am taking this journey primarily for myself, little eyes are watching & little lives are being shaped. When Lincoln asked me if I was going to Zumba class on Thursday, not only did I go (when I was going to flake out) but it helped me get back to a motivation that was outside of myself. This proved key when...
2) Dave reminded me that I'm not special. Of course I'm special in that everyone-is-unique-&-has-a-voice kind of way, but sometimes people need to be reminded that in the human experience there isn't anything new under the sun & everyone has something that is his cross to bear. Dave & I often tell each other that we "are not beautiful or unique snowflakes," especially as pertains to the things that get us down. Realizing that I'm not the only one with a problem, or even THIS problem was key to snapping me back into the mindset that this is my struggle--could be better, could be worse. That brought me to dealing with my wall, mentally & physically when...
3) While she was giving a presentation at the Healthy Living Expo, I learned that my first BL crush, Rebecca, not only hit a wall in her process, but it was at the 100 pound mark as well. It was almost an off-hand remark, but what was practically a throw away line for her was just what I needed to remind me that this process isn't voo-doo, it's science. I can sit & wish for results in one hand &...well, you get the idea. If I want to press through a wall, I have to DO something. Back to measuring food, back to drinking water, back to religiously scheduled work-outs. I can't control everything, but I can control the things I can control.
I do believe that puts me squarely around the corner & where I need to be. I've got menus planned for next week & a grocery list put together & I've been sipping away at my gigantic water cup. Tomorrow I'm going to get my house back in order (the state of my house nearly always reflects my mood) & get ready to face a new week with the promise that at this time next week I will have posted a weight decrease & a confidence increase.