Monday, November 28, 2011

I Swear to Tell the Whole Truth...


I'm struggling.  You know how you can tell I'm struggling?
  1. I haven't been blogging.
  2. I haven't been tracking.
  3. My peanut butter jar shows the stabby marks of diving into the jar rather than the smooth surface of one that has been carefully scooped with measuring spoons.
  4. I missed a month of being measured & skipped my monthly picture on Saturday (even though my hair was awesome).
I'm tired.  I'm the kid in the back of the van whining an endless chorus of arewethereyets.  I'm blue about my progress over the last year & even more specifically over the last couple of months.  I am angry at myself for rallying & falling--yet again.  How many times can I have an epiphany & think I'm ready to push through to goal?  I have been at this for so long & I'm still. not. done.

Before the harpies descend, I know that I'm never really "done," this is a lifestyle, blah blah blah. Heck, I preach that all the time.  But sometimes, on a cold November night, it just feels like there should be an end.  A rest.  The grind of working toward an illusive goal is wearing on my heart.

On Friday night, Dave & I did our duty & "cleaned up" some of the leftover Thanksgiving wine.  After a couple of glasses I started flapping my gums & my eyes started leaking & I opened the floodgates.  I told Dave that I am angry that I lost 100 lbs last year & have struggled & clawed my way through less than 25 this year.  I told Dave that I have contemplated changing my official goal so that I could just be done already.  Most importantly, I told Dave that I have been avoiding my blog because I felt guilty for harboring ANY negative feelings about my progress.

Lately I've held back, & when I didn't think I could hold back, I just stayed away.  I love Old Sara.  I remember how her heart ached when she heard a "skinny" girl say that she wanted to lose 10 lbs & while I knew it wasn't personal, it sure felt that way.  If Old Sara heard New Sara say that she had only lost 25 lbs this year, she would have been puce with envy.  If Old Sara knew New Sara was wanting to change her goal to achieve artificial success she would have thought that New Sara was an ego maniac.  If Old Sara read New Sara whining about the last 10 lbs she would have cried for days.

But, this is my truth.  It's where I'm at right now & for all that it appears selfish & cold & unfeeling, it is how I feel.  I'm just plain angry.  At myself, at life, at genetics, at Krispy Kreme, at pants sizes, at loose skin, at shiny new treadmills being delivered to my house tomorrow, at well meaning people who ask me if I'm at goal, at well meaning people who give me a compliment, at perfect strangers who don't know where I've come from, at twisted ankles, at people on their own journeys who are having success, at cold weather, at myself. 

Here's what I'm left with:
  1. This is a great reminder to me that shedding pounds doesn't "fix it."  Life can still be slimy & gross no matter what your body looks/feels like.  This is a mental process with a physical manifestation.  I need to mind my thoughts with the vigilance of last year if I want last year's results.
  2. As Olivia from last season of BL said, "This isn't about a number on a scale, it's about finishing what you start."  The goal is so much more than a number.  This whole process has become one of me learning to be a do-er & ceasing to be a quitter.  Recognize, New Sara.
So I have to/want to slog through this.  My preference would be sooner rather than later, but I guess I can wish in one hand &.........or I could just do something about it.  The leftovers are gone, the treadmill will be here tomorrow, it's game time--again.  I guess it's most important that it is game time one more time than it's rallying time.


  1. Game on! You are inspiring! I realized the other day we all have days that feel like what you just described. The thing that keeps me going some days is knowing that there are other people with their own struggles. What keeps me going is knowing that we are all doing it. Keep it up. Game on!

  2. Sara- I found your blog many, many months ago and have found it incredibly inspiring. I began Weight watchers for the second time shortly before you did and have currently lost 90lb, with another 40 from the first go-round. I find myself like you now, only 15-20 left until goal, and it the biggest struggle ever. Your post is like the words have been taken from my head. Two months ago I moved from the US to the UK and I was prepared. I am in a country that still has Weight Watchers and before arriving I knew where the meetings were going to be each week and I go. But I am faced with a new set of measurements and labels. It seems like a perfect opportunity to get focused even more and get those last few pounds off. It hasn't worked that way though.
    Reading your blog reminds me that you've done amazing things to your body as well as your mind, as have I. We deserve to finish this race! Yet it is only us who can finish our own race. So as I see a plate of freshly baked cookies that have non-fat yogurt instead of butter that my housemate made, I will reach for the plum because I don't know where I am at with the WW points today.

    Keep up your great work!

  3. Sara - I'm new to your blog - found it several weeks ago and was totally impressed with all that you've done and how far you've come. I'm struggling just at the first 10 pounds and I'd like to lose 40 more. I know it's not easy and reading yours and others blogs help reaffirm that.

    It reminds me of something a friend said years back. He had completed both AA and OA and was successful with both, but said that the AA was much easier because he just stopped drinking alcohol. Never touched another drop. However, with OA (Overeaters Anonymous), you still had to eat. Every day and that made it very difficult for him.

    Be patient with yourself and remember how far you've come. Maybe you can call this your goal for a bit and maintain it for the near future and then at some point in 2012 you can embark on the last chunk of weight loss. Don't give up now.

    But it's totally fine to whine. Go for it. I'll pass you some tissues if you'd like.


  4. Sara,
    You can still make it and you've still already managed so much. Screw the guilt and crappy feelings. If you want this, you know how to get it. If you want a break then take a break!

    I'm a Brit living in the US and I know how you feel (though I've been here a few years now!). Learning to cook WW with all the different, unfamiliar products is a total pain but I think I'm getting a handle on it finally. Will have to begin all over again when I go back to the UK and have to live without WW string cheese and 1pp tortillas... grrr

  5. Sara, I have been reading your blog for a little while now. Megan told me about it and I was interested to see what you had to say. Usually I just read what you say and (through laughter or tears - which happens a lot) I think "How is it that she knows exactly what I am thinking/ feeling?". Then I go about my day as usual until the next post. But today I really felt like I had to leave a comment. 1. It was so great to see you last weekend and see in person how ridiculously amazing you look (I am still coveting that sweater coat!) 2. Thank you for congratulating me on my own weight loss without going so over the top that I got uncomfortable 3. But mostly, just thank you... thank you for being brave enough to say everything that you are feeling and allowing the rest of us to feel like there is someone else out there that is going through the same crap and feeling the same way and that it is totally normal. I am coming up on my own 100 lbs mark and I know that I owe it to you, if you hadn't started your journey then Megan wouldn't have started when she did and I know that I would be sitting here eating a super sized value meal for lunch instead of my protein bar and fruit. Apparently, I just decided to save up all of my posts for one long post now. Sorry about that, but I wanted to make sure that you know what a difference you have made in my life and I am sure other lives as well. Again, THANK YOU!!