I'm struggling. You know how you can tell I'm struggling?
- I haven't been blogging.
- I haven't been tracking.
- My peanut butter jar shows the stabby marks of diving into the jar rather than the smooth surface of one that has been carefully scooped with measuring spoons.
- I missed a month of being measured & skipped my monthly picture on Saturday (even though my hair was awesome).
Before the harpies descend, I know that I'm never really "done," this is a lifestyle, blah blah blah. Heck, I preach that all the time. But sometimes, on a cold November night, it just feels like there should be an end. A rest. The grind of working toward an illusive goal is wearing on my heart.
On Friday night, Dave & I did our duty & "cleaned up" some of the leftover Thanksgiving wine. After a couple of glasses I started flapping my gums & my eyes started leaking & I opened the floodgates. I told Dave that I am angry that I lost 100 lbs last year & have struggled & clawed my way through less than 25 this year. I told Dave that I have contemplated changing my official goal so that I could just be done already. Most importantly, I told Dave that I have been avoiding my blog because I felt guilty for harboring ANY negative feelings about my progress.
Lately I've held back, & when I didn't think I could hold back, I just stayed away. I love Old Sara. I remember how her heart ached when she heard a "skinny" girl say that she wanted to lose 10 lbs & while I knew it wasn't personal, it sure felt that way. If Old Sara heard New Sara say that she had only lost 25 lbs this year, she would have been puce with envy. If Old Sara knew New Sara was wanting to change her goal to achieve artificial success she would have thought that New Sara was an ego maniac. If Old Sara read New Sara whining about the last 10 lbs she would have cried for days.
But, this is my truth. It's where I'm at right now & for all that it appears selfish & cold & unfeeling, it is how I feel. I'm just plain angry. At myself, at life, at genetics, at Krispy Kreme, at pants sizes, at loose skin, at shiny new treadmills being delivered to my house tomorrow, at well meaning people who ask me if I'm at goal, at well meaning people who give me a compliment, at perfect strangers who don't know where I've come from, at twisted ankles, at people on their own journeys who are having success, at cold weather, at holidays...at myself.
Here's what I'm left with:
- This is a great reminder to me that shedding pounds doesn't "fix it." Life can still be slimy & gross no matter what your body looks/feels like. This is a mental process with a physical manifestation. I need to mind my thoughts with the vigilance of last year if I want last year's results.
- As Olivia from last season of BL said, "This isn't about a number on a scale, it's about finishing what you start." The goal is so much more than a number. This whole process has become one of me learning to be a do-er & ceasing to be a quitter. Recognize, New Sara.