For once, the size of my posterior hasn't been the main thing on my mind.
There are all kinds of things that you learn when you become a parent--things that you wish someone had warned you about in advance. I find that I am still discovering these gems after three & a half years on the job. In honor of one of the longest, most grueling weekends of my life:
The Things I Have Learned as a Parent: Illness Edition
- Children don't care if you are on a toilet with a bucket in your lap, praying for the sweet embrace of death: when they want to hear "Knuffle Bunny Too" for the 80 millionth time, they mean now.
- Children don't understand the phrases "highly contagious" or "communicable disease" so don't try to use them as a deterrent from cup sharing. It also will not quell requests for bites of your toast.
- Speaking of toast, children do not respect when their own bodies are too sick for food, so why would they understand when yours is? There will be a riot if you try to sit at a table during meal time & don't consume an acceptable amount of food.
- If you think that you'll be fine feeding your children chicken nuggets while you sip your broth, think again. The smell of those cursed nuggets will waft all over the house & you'll feel just as sick as if you had eaten them yourself.
- It takes a lifetime to raise a child that will choose active play over a "Super Why" DVD. It takes exactly half a day to undo all of that prior effort & create a zombie for whom the only acceptable activities involve remote controls.
- Children, like many animals, are highly attuned to the emotions of their captors & are adept at exploiting them. When you've just gotten to sleep after a harrowing battle with your illness, your child will wake up & need something you wouldn't normally allow. For this very reason, my son is now sleeping with a ziplock bag of dirt.
- After lovingly & painstakingly preparing homemade meals for your children day after day, week after week, it only takes one day for kids to revert to drooling over Lunchables & Nutrigrain bars.
- Children are adorable, but they are useless when it comes to doing laundry, making soup, or doling out drugs. If you thought you could get your 1 year old to change your sheets for you, you would be wrong...so wrong.
- The phrase "please be quiet" triggers some sort of instant opposite-day scenario among young children. When paired with the phrase "Mommy/Daddy has a headache," the results are likely to break noise ordinances in most neighborhood settings.
- A child will be unable to find a "lost" toy that is laying at his feet...& yet somehow be able to find & try to eat the single Imodium capsule that you dropped in the middle of the night & left for dead in desperation.
- "Lord of the Flies" isn't a work of fiction, no matter what the librarians might say. It is real, very real. When the kids are in charge, Piggy gets it & you just better hope that they don't think you're Piggy.
Yesterday, I whined, "I wish we had a nanny & a housekeeper." To which Dave replied: "Why, so they could be sick, too?" Me, "I wish we were the Jetsons...Rosie never got sick." So if anyone is looking for a gift to give me, I would like to be the Jetsons for one week, complete with the use of Rosie...this house is a disaster!