Monday, February 14, 2011
More Knee-ded Reflection
I can't stop blabbing about this stupid knee.
I was really scared to go to PT. I was desperately afraid of looking foolish or being deemed unworthy of help. As an obese person, there are things that I avoided for fear of drawing attention to myself. Somehow, PT fell into my mental category of "things that athletes do" & was therefore out of my league. I was terrified that the therapist would be disdainful, condescending or dismissive & that it would all boil down to "You have bad knees because you are fat." So many things wrong with this thinking!
1. I apparently haven't realized that I'm not "fat" anymore. I am still overweight, but I'm not the obese woman I once was & I clearly haven't brought my head to where my body is at. How long will it take for my brain to process what my eyes can see?
2. Though I say it all of the time, I am clearly not living my own mantra: obesity is a medical issue, not a character flaw. I believe that others' perception of me is based largely on how I present myself--not just physically, but emotionally & socially as well. If that is the case, what am I "putting out there" if I expect to be dismissed based on my weight? Why would I have that expectation in the first place?
3. A sliver of me is still living in a jocks/geeks high school culture that is just plain toxic. What 30 year old is still classifying cliques like that?
Despite all of my craziness, here's the reality: in the two times I have been to PT, the therapist has been nothing but great to me...& he's even given me a couple of tips on how to get into my running prep mode once the ice & snow recede. There have been exactly 0.00 athletes in the office...just a handful of elderly people coming back from falls & replacement surgeries.
Most importantly, I realize that I do deserve to be there getting help. Regardless of how or why this stupid knee is causing me pain, I don't deserve it & I need to do everything I can to get it strong & healthy again. Afterall, I need to be able to get up & dance on Thursday when the scale tells me that I'm down 100 big ones. Here's hoping!