Friday, September 30, 2011

And the Crazy Just Keeps Getting Crazier


Ha ha ha.  Just when I thought I had me all figured out...I pulled back a hidden curtain & found another layer of cuh-ray-zee.  Y'all ready for this?

I don't want to get to goal. 

I've really struggled with this for the last week.  Why in the world would I pour so much time & heart & energy into a task to not finish it?  Why would I work so hard to crave failure?  It's so crazy that I didn't want to write it out because 1) it confirms that I'm truly certifiable & 2) it's offensive.  Offensive?  Yes, offensive.  I'm most assuredly offending myself with this attitude...& quite possibly also the people who have read my musings, shared in my story & cheered me on, in particular those who are marching on to similar goals themselves. 

On the heels of two spectacular weeks, I repeatedly & purposely made bad choices this week.  A little more sleep, a little less running.  A little more frosting, a little less spinach.  It was one fail after another & it was conscious self-sabotage.  At one point I remember thinking, "Yup, I'm gonna do that even though it's stoooopid."  At least Old Sara was ignorant--aaahhh, the bliss.

I've built a life over the last 20 months that I really love.  I'm more outgoing (not in fact ACTUALLY outgoing, but more-so), I try new things, I work hard & I lose weight.  They're all tied together in the crazy-soup that's in my head.  I don't know what happens when one of those is gone.  Might it all go away? 

And what about my little slice of internet in which I bear my soul for the purposes of staying off the couch (both literally & figuratively)?  I absolutely adore blogging.  It has become one of my favorite leisure activities, but isn't "A Weight-y Life" predicated on a weighty life?  The thought of losing my voice terrifies the point of actual tears.   

This is definitely a "To Be Continued..." arc in the story of New Sara.  Quite frankly I don't know what life as New Sara 2.0 will look like & I have no idea what New Sara 2.0 will have/want to say, but I guess that's not a good reason to not give New Sara 1.0 her finish line.  So, I can't offer you a resolution, but I can offer you an apology for not giving it my all & honoring your readership with my best.  I'm sorry, to myself & to you.

To Be Continued...

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps you should read some zenhabits?