Friday, September 30, 2011
And the Crazy Just Keeps Getting Crazier
Ha ha ha. Just when I thought I had me all figured out...I pulled back a hidden curtain & found another layer of cuh-ray-zee. Y'all ready for this?
I don't want to get to goal.
I've really struggled with this for the last week. Why in the world would I pour so much time & heart & energy into a task to not finish it? Why would I work so hard to crave failure? It's so crazy that I didn't want to write it out because 1) it confirms that I'm truly certifiable & 2) it's offensive. Offensive? Yes, offensive. I'm most assuredly offending myself with this attitude...& quite possibly also the people who have read my musings, shared in my story & cheered me on, in particular those who are marching on to similar goals themselves.
On the heels of two spectacular weeks, I repeatedly & purposely made bad choices this week. A little more sleep, a little less running. A little more frosting, a little less spinach. It was one fail after another & it was conscious self-sabotage. At one point I remember thinking, "Yup, I'm gonna do that even though it's stoooopid." At least Old Sara was ignorant--aaahhh, the bliss.
I've built a life over the last 20 months that I really love. I'm more outgoing (not in fact ACTUALLY outgoing, but more-so), I try new things, I work hard & I lose weight. They're all tied together in the crazy-soup that's in my head. I don't know what happens when one of those is gone. Might it all go away?
And what about my little rag...my slice of internet in which I bear my soul for the purposes of staying off the couch (both literally & figuratively)? I absolutely adore blogging. It has become one of my favorite leisure activities, but isn't "A Weight-y Life" predicated on a weighty life? The thought of losing my voice terrifies me...to the point of actual tears.
This is definitely a "To Be Continued..." arc in the story of New Sara. Quite frankly I don't know what life as New Sara 2.0 will look like & I have no idea what New Sara 2.0 will have/want to say, but I guess that's not a good reason to not give New Sara 1.0 her finish line. So, I can't offer you a resolution, but I can offer you an apology for not giving it my all & honoring your readership with my best. I'm sorry, to myself & to you.
To Be Continued...